Stop Putting Sweet Shit On My Kid’s Breakfast

Warning: If you don’t have kids then this post probably isn’t for you.  Feel free to read it, although you will not learn anything new about food or cooking.

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Before I get started with the meat and potatoes of this post, I want to get a few things out of the way.

  1. One of my favorite things to do with my kid is take her to restaurants and allow her to try new things.  I am secretly (not really a secret) developing her into the greatest chef this world has ever seen.
  2. I appreciate when the people at these restaurants go out of their way to talk to my kid and do little extra things for her.  I will literally double my server’s tip if they are good to my kid.
  3. I’m not obsessive about my kid’s diet.  I do, however, monitor the amount of bullshit she eats and try to keep it at a minimum.

That being said, STOP PUTTING SWEET SHIT ALL OVER MY KID’S BREAKFAST.  If I order pancakes I don’t need an additional ingredient added that I didn’t ask for that doubles the amount of sugar she’s eating for breakfast.  I already ordered something with “cake” in the name that is going to get smothered with syrup, which is basically sugar in liquid form.  I truly appreciate you attempting to do something nice for us and I’m sure you think that it will make her happy but dumping a can of whipped cream on a pancake and then smothering it with sugar is not what I want my kid eating for her first meal of the day.

I visited a breakfast joint last week which I’m not going to name because I’m not reaching for self-importance like some Yelp reviewer.  I noticed there were “Funfetti pancakes” on the menu.  I didn’t choose the Funfetti pancakes because I actually give a shit about my kid’s nutrition and this is breakfast.  Some even go as far as to call it the most important meal of the day.  Side note: Does anyone even know the ingredients in Sprinkes?  What are they?  I ordered plain pancakes, and guess what.  The waitress brought out pancakes with a side of sprinkles.  l was then left with a choice:  Do I take the sprinkles away and cause a public meltdown or do I allow Eleanor to dump a colorful mystery ingredient all over her pancakes?  The choice was easy: Take the L and avoid public meltdowns at all cost.  But guess what, we are never returning to this place because in Eleanor’s mind this is where she is allowed to have sprinkle pancakes.

Fast forward to this morning when I ordered her pancakes at different breakfast joint and they came out with whipped cream eyes and mouth with a chocolate syrup drizzle. Why would anyone give their kid pancakes with whipped cream and chocolate for breakfast?  I understand that if a kid was going to make breakfast for themselves it would consist of mainly whipped cream and chocolate but that is why kid’s can’t physically make their own meals.  If they could our entire population would look like Chris Christie.  So don’t enable this behavior because I’m now not going to back to this place either because it will be forever known as the place that puts chocolate and whipped cream on pancakes.

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The really shitty thing about this isn’t that I can’t go back to your restaurant because my kid will expect desert for breakfast, it’s that she will expect this from every place she goes now.  Pancakes will slowly turn into a delivery system for additional sugary ingredients.  It will slowly get to the point where I just can’t give her pancakes anymore.

To close this out, I understand that I can avoid these issues by simply cooking for my kid at home.  Trust me, I do.  There is just something about taking her out in public and letting her read through a menu and ordering her own breakfast.  It’s something I like sharing with her.  The only thing I’m asking here is bring me what I order and not some “kid friendly” version of it.  If you have raised your kids to appreciate different flavors and not just rely on sweet and salty flavors, your kid will actually eat food that doesn’t need to be covered in ice cream toppings.

So that is it.  If you work at restaurant consider this the next time you bring out someone’s order.  It will help parents like me, who actually care about what their kid eats.

And last thing, which is a different subject but I’m including it in here, STOP PUTTING CANDY DISPENSERS AT THE EXIT OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Thanks.

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